I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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