don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
