Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
