Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
