i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
