do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
