Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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