I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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