So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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