Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
