Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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