i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
