my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
