my mouth tastes like poor choices
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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