What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
PANTIES FOUND
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