I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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