She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
