i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
