My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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