I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
