we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
