I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
