Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My life is pants optional.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
