I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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