I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
