Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
