She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
