there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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