So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
