Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
