DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
