did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
