Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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