Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It was confusing and full of hummus
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
