I think im going to throw up on grandma
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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