I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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