At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
