He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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