There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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