Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
