Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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