he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
