mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
