Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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