Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
