Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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