I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
