My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Randomize
