I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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