You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
